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Bob Hope 2003

Found this old file I wrote over a decade ago.

If Bob Hope had lived a little longer and gone to Afghanistan in 2003, his monologue might have been something like this…

This is Bobby ”Get that Bunker bomb outa my cave” Hope coming to you live from Tora Bora – Afganistan’s holiday hideaway spot where Mujahdeen families can get a luxury cave for less than $5 a day.

Yes sir! What a country! Mountains, deserts, caves, poverty, mutilated women and 24-hour a day prayer. Who needs Paradise when you can get it all here in Tora Bora.

And how about that Al Queda! Aren’t they something. Fighting the Jihad to the last man. Jihad – that’s Arabic for “I’ll believe anything some crackpot with a beard tells me.”

It’s a new kind of war, ladies and gentlemen. And we’ve all seen ample proof of that as American B52’s rain down 15,000 pound cave buster bombs on Tora Bora, F16’s strafe the mountainside with Lasar guided missiles, and our friends in the Northern Alliance shell the caves with artillery and tanks. And you can watch it all at home on your TV.

Some people have complained that watching American jets, drones and tanks chasing a bunch of guys wearing turbans and robes on horseback, looks like America was hunting down Jesus and his followers.

But in the words of Senator Lloyd Bentson, “Mr. Bin Laden, you are no Jesus”

Yes sir. President Bush said it best, Osama Bin laden is the ultimate EVIL DOER. EVIL DOER. There’s no denying our Chief Executive’s command of the language. It almost makes you forgive him for stuffing the ballots in Florida.

And our President has told us that the tape which shows Osama Bib laden taking credit for the 911 disaster is completely authentic. It came straight from an unimpeachable and totally reliable source – the C.I.A..

Bin Laden has told all of his followers that when they die in this struggle against the Infidels they’ll get 79 virgins in Paradise. What he didn’t mention is that they’ll have unibrows and body hair that makes an Afgan rug look like linoleum.

Well good luck to them. I was there for our boys in WW2, Korea, Vietnam, Desert Storm, and now I’m here in Afganistan supporting American soldiers as they fought the good fight to make the world a safe haven for America’s fine products.

God bless you all! Drive safe and remember, your heart and lungs are important but don’t forget about your glands. You know the glands I’m talking about! G’nite.

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